what i really want....

I’m supposed to be hurrying on something, I need to arrange things outside. A good work might finally be waiting outside, but anyway, I thought too that I haven’t done good justice to this blogsite, so I prefer to stay for some minutes. I’m used to this.

I know I’ve been taking my life so much for granted. I’ve come to this age without really realizing anything (it’s an overstatement, my dear), without really taking any straight direction. Maybe I haven’t just decided yet, for all these years. Maybe I should really have continued my calling; maybe I can’t continue another life without following this path I’ve so long been trying to evade.

I was so young when I decided I’d be a nun someday. There were other dreams of course, but everything just passed my by. And me being a nun? I haven’t forgotten it yet. But years had went on, and so my passion, and so my religious inclinations. If you asked me about my conviction, I’d rather say I’m a folk catholic, just to avoid the fact that my political ideologies had somehow made me agnostic, or existentialist for that matter. I believe that being a nun is not just about praying, not just about believing in infinite being; but more so, it is about a person with all the passion to help and understand people. It is about me carrying the task of serving and saving humankind from ill destructions of inner and external forces. Then somehow, this can put me in serenity.

I’m just giving myself another 3 years of my life. I’ve been through a hell of life, a life I’ve chosen to lead before. I was contented then, my life was everyday at stake, literally, but I got to do what I’ve wanted. Now, I’m physically at peace, but not my mind. If I were to continue what I’ve went through, then maybe I won’t be seeking this much today. So another three years won’t be that bad. If I won't and can't find anyone or anything special along the way, I’ll sure be a nun, or just anything as long as I serve people. But i do hope that someone might catch me before I decide, hehe.

I’m writing this to remind myself. Thank you for listening for a while.

LiZt

at the park....

this is my fave poem,i'd like to share this one here..
repost

at the park....
(an ode to Donya Leonila Park)

I never meant to stay here for long,
sometimes, I get tired of forever wandering around,
walking until everything in me aches,

my feet
my head
my longing heart

sometimes I feel too wasted
and facing the serenityof this aging park
makes me more helpless
I'm crying and dying inside
but the pains keep hurting me more

maybe this park can cure all those aches
I’ve been carrying on my shoulders
and I just cry
and smile
and brighten
another day

because at the end of the many rainy days of my life
you'll still see me at the park....

LiZt

PAGBUTLAK: Nang Minsang Pinanday sa Pagbagtas ng Bagong Karunungan

Mula sa isang tulalang kaisipan
Na kadalasan pa ay tila aandap andap
na naghahangad ng direksyong patutunguhan,
Napaigkis ka sa pagbabakasakaling may ilaw sa gabing madilim,
At tinungo mo sya, ang inakalang liwanag ng kulimlim.

Subalit sa isang maling gawi, nadapa kang muli,
Hinabol ang mga kasamahang sadyang daan mo’y binali
Di nga ba’t dala mo ay kapahamakan?
At nagtungo kang muli, sa dating landasin ng mga ligaw.

Hanap mo lang naman ay bukang liwayway,
Subalit kay tagal ng umagang hinihintay,
Baka naman kahit ang araw ay nagtampo na naman,
Dapat nga bang ikaw’y muling maiwanan?


LiZt

a night at Ortigas national bookstore....

(written last wednesday,january 19, 2006)

It was past 6pm, hours earlier to go to work. Went to bookstore, the only place I love in a mall. I felt sad how the national bookstore looks like today. Books are few, and so expensive, like as if telling you poor fellows have no access to read books. Inside this bookstore are some office supplies and grocery items. And books are placed in a small section. What happens to our wisdom?

After realizing that I can’t afford any of those I’ve like which I haven’t read yet, I went out (I had stayed for an hour inside, hiding constantly from the employees cuz I got engrossed w/ 3 books, one is about Oprah’s thoughts). So, I walked around again, the usual scenario. Robinson’s might be a good place to walk around for the others, but not for me. I had chosen to spend more minutes walking outside. Ortigas is a busy place. At past 7pm, you see people everywhere. Only few are sitting, probably waiting for their turn to work, and most are walking fast. Either to get home in time for their favorite telenovela, or some are just scared to be late from their night job.

Despite what the others say, it’s fun at times to be alone. You see, I’m so much enjoying to watch and study people. The streets, the parks, are my world, and the people are my silent toys. When you’re alone, you get to understand people wider and deeper. You get to know and appreciate (or not at all) them in a most secluded area of your heart and knowledge. I pity those who can’t stop and pay attention for this. Boy, it is so much good and bad to be with these fellas from all walks of life.

Hmmm, just went straight to my office. So much for thinking for tonight, I’ll spend another with them tomorrow. Can’t be late from office. See yah!

it was a book with a cover....

At past 8am, I rode a bus back to San Pablo City. I happened to sit beside this man who never cared for anyone’s existence. I couldn’t explain it but I got so irritated with this man, and I hate men from manila, probably the reason why. They never cared for people, they never give a damn for anything dreadful to happen.

I went aboard with 2 really big bags, and a small one, and this man never even gave me a space, while I think he only got his wallet with him. I guess it’s really the culture in Manila, damn, I can’t get used to it. In Sn Pablo, people are nicer and caring.

Anyway, after like 5 mins, the silence inside the bus was cut off by this old lady in our front. She looks starving like she never had breakfast yet, and her clothing suggested that she couldn’t afford a even the cheaper dresses. The old lady thought she lost her wallet and that somebody might have taken it from her. She was of course shaky then, constantly ruffling her hair every minute. Gone 8 min and she found it finally. Boy, this man beside me didn’t really care, not even paid a look for this poor old lady. Her route was in Quezon, and she couldn’t even pay the whole ticket for her travel, luckily the conductor was kind enough to adjust her ticket.

Minutes after, the conductor went on gathering the fare. I could never believe it with my two eyes and two ears, this man beside me paid the old lady’s ticket telling her to just keep her money for the food, and she should buy herself anything to eat once she got to the place. Man, it was a wrong judgment. I was awakened by the thought that maybe, in my mind I just have pictured the culture in manila in somewhat exaggerated way. I thought he was nice, he just didn’t give much damn about everything, but I guess Filipinos are still alotta nicer than the most people in the world.

Too bad, I wasn’t able to get his number. Hehehe….

Ah Ewan

And so they say,
When one found love, he´s sure would find happiness.
But then I found it once and only left me in pain,
I never could understand it, never could I really expound on it.

They say you better love and be hurt than never love at all
But I think I´ll never risk this empty heart again,
It killed me once, it will still kill me now, that´s certain.

So, now this soul has been in the far end of wits,
Frozen, but still capable of understanding wide,
That in anyway not another soul should be connected,
Because at the sum of everything, I´m just so tired of this.
Forever waiting for anything that might still make
Sense for all these stupid inquisitions
Of life,
Of liberty,
Of forgetting.

LiZt

Regrets and Dreams

rye

I want to just laugh about it.
Staying alone in Manila has been a fruitful year for my wandering thoughts. I'm working what the elitists think is a decent job. But i don't feel too decent being with it for now, not that i know of. However the other professionals would like this job, however the others envy for joining the "club", i still don't see myself working here till the next few weeks. Next month, I hope to meet my dream career.

Damn! If I'd look back at those years I’ve wasted (or did i really?), I should really be killing myself now. I was lucky enough to be at the Law school, yet i left it too early to know alot. If i weren't so nuts, I might have made it to BAR by now.

Worse thing is, i even had the guts to shift to masteral studies. Oh yeah, Philosophies are great, and have thought me a lot. I’ve met those famous and not so famous Philosophers, I wish I could have mingled with them during their aera. Oh well, after teaching politics, social sciences, Philosophies in college, I realized PhD was not my cup of tea. Nyehehe.
As if naman! So, I left masteral, and gave some hugs to my students.

Now, hooray, with some idealisms still lingering in my heart, I would want to pursue the hanging dream. If there’s a need to leave my current job, continue my previous part time. And who knows, I could really make it in the entertainment world, or novels.

So, catch me now, here I come, let me love to live, even for a while.

LiZt

Pahimakas

It's just another not so busy afternoon in my life, i was trying to understand the role of matter in my mind. Marx said it that matter is not a product of mind, but mind itself is merely the highest product of matter. In a way, yes, i believe since I am an existentialist, a materialist, a marxist, whatever you call it.

So, this blog exists, amidst the great calamities in my predosposition in life. I'd like to try to tell that this being, this material events that's been taking place in almost 2 and 1/2 decades of this unruled life, results to all the uninteresting parts of my mind.

Now, i'd like to share, i hope I can fill this up for anyone to see, and i hope i can touch a heart, in a way or two. I might be so busy this year, but we'll just see what i can do here. See yah!

LiZt